Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Oracle of Nashville

There are many stories for the origins of the Nashville Oracle. One explanation, and probably the most accurate, was by the 21st century social-network group on Murdoch’s Wall St. Journal, tells of a goat herder named, “Dumbassesus,” who noticed one day that one of his goats fell into a crack in the earth, then started behaving strangely.

On entering the chasm, he found himself filled with a divine presence and could see outside of the present into the past and the future. Excited by his discovery he shared it with nearby villagers. Many started visiting the site to experience the convulsions and inspirational trances, though some were said to disappear into the cleft due to their frenzied state.

A shrine was erected at the site, where people began worshiping in the late 2009 Stupidus Age, and by 2010 were promoting the formation of a National Political Party. The villagers chose an older woman as the liaison passing the divine inspirations from the Deity who lived there and protected the Navel of the Earth.

Legend has it that God spoke through this oracle: the sibyl or priestess of the oracle at Nashville was known as the Sarah; she had to be an older woman of blameless life chosen from among the peasants of the area. She sat on a tripod seat over an opening in the earth. The ethylene fumes arose from a decomposing body of a Socialist Liberal, intoxicated by the vapors, the sibyl would fall into a trance, allowing God to possess her spirit. In this state she prophesied. While in a trance the Sarah "raved," probably a form of ecstatic speech, and her ravings were "translated" by the "True Conservative Priests" of the Temple into elegant hexameters. People consulted the Nashville Oracle on everything from important matters of public policy to personal affairs.

But right from the start, many high-profile people saw the "Con Job Scam" and along with activist groups started to disbelieve in outraged protest over the profiteering by the Oracle of Nashville organizers.

The blatant blasphemy at the doors of the Oracle of Nashville Hall, entrepreneurs sold souvenirs: sterling silver tea bag necklaces ($89.99), bags of "Freedom Coffee" ($9) and T-shirts emblazoned with a bald eagle ($20).

At first the Fanatical Right Wing of the Republican Party Kings benefited from the Oracle. Later it was placed under the protection of the Republican Party in general, after a brief period the influence of the Extorters started to emerge, and they protected the Oracle from the constantly dangerous Socialist Liberal invasion.

Because the founders of the Oracle of Nashville were so disorganized and splintered among themselves, a major reorganization was initiated, but was interrupted by the foreign influence of the Murdoch Wars and the wars took many rich offerings from the Oracle. Invading Liberal Logic invasions burned the Temple, which God had already severely damaged Nashville by an earthquake in 2012. Thus the Oracle fell in decay and the surrounding area became impoverished. The sparse local population led to difficulties in filling the posts required. The Oracle's credibility waned due to doubtful predictions.

When Rush Limbaugh came to Nashville in 2014, he took away the ballance of what wealth that was left in Nashville and the land has been ruined for many millenniums to come.


  1. Holy Cow of Toledo...
    Your allegory doesn't stray too far from literal reality. The "conservative" movement...I call it conservative for lack of more accurate name, but this tea party movement reminds me of the apocalyptic social movements that have punctuated the history of Jamaica, okay, these people don't smoke pot, they snort methamphetamines, but there is a lot in common from a sociological view. They want an anointed leader who will guide them to a non existant promised land which they cannot define. They believe that the apocalypse in imminent, though, whether the rapture or the general collapse of social order...they're not sure...
    I will have to consult my magic 8 ball for more info, but now the answer keeps coming up, "Outlook Hazy. Ask again later"
    And I payed 4 bucks for this thing at a garage sale...piece of crap....

  2. Freedom coffee haha what a joke. Then again starbucks isn't much cheaper...